You Don't Belong Here
by Visinata
Summary: Simon hates waking up from his favorite kissing dream. Especially when it turns out he's being kissed irl by the wrong person! In Ch 2, the spell karma chameleon, which I invented for, Dryads!, becomes important. I don't explain how it works in this fic. To find out, read Dryads! (specifically the SIMON POV section in Ch 4) here: /s/12409358/1/Dryads
1. Chapter 1

PENELOPE

It's Valentine's Day and Agatha has gotten it into her head that she needs to make a romantic gesture to "save" her relationship with Simon. I don't know why she bothers. It's clear there's nothing there to save. But she never listens to me when I tell her, and she wouldn't let her foolish idea drop.

"Simon's been so strung out lately, Penny. I want to remind him he can be happy here with me. He doesn't always need to be off risking his life having adventures."

I can't believe she's obtuse enough to think Simon _wants_ to be constantly putting his life in jeopardy, or that sneaking into his room in the small hours is going to solve anything. But I got tired of hearing about it, so I agreed.

"Agatha, ok, I get it. I still say this is never going to work, but tell me what you want to do?"

"You can get past the wards on Mummer's House. Get me in, early in the morning so Simon and I can have some privacy."

"You won't have much privacy with Baz there."

Agatha fiddled with her hem. "Simon says he sleeps like the dead."

"Simon says he _is_ the dead. Are you sure you want to risk it?"

"Yes, Penny. Don't be so dramatic."

So here we are, at the crack of dawn, outside Simon and Baz's room. Agatha cautiously turns the handle. I had to spell the boys' door open for her too. Neither of them are foolish enough to sleep without locking it.

She pauses halfway in and turns back to me.

"No spying, Penny."

I frown. I wasn't going to spy. Just keep an eye on things in case something goes wrong and the need my help.

"I'm serious. Leave the door closed, and don't cast anything!"

"Fine. Just go." I wave her forward. "Before Baz wakes up."

I toy with the idea of casting **sneak peek** anyway, like I was planning. But if she doesn't want to be rescued from an angry unconfirmed vampire, that's her problem.

SIMON

Everything is bright and warm and there's a shape leaning over me. A tall, slim shape with hair I can feel falling around my face. I know it's Baz. It's always Baz, every time I've had this dream. I'm floating in the space between sleeping and waking where I know I'm dreaming but I can feel it might slip away at any moment. I'm trying desperately to hold on because everything is warm and light and wonderful and I want to stay like this forever. It always feels so good, this dream. This time it feels especially good—better than ever. This time there's kissing. There's been almost-kissing before, with Baz, in the dream. But I always wake up before the kissing starts. Not this time though, this time it's happening and I can't let this best of all best dreams slip away. Below the happy, loose, warm feeling I'm basking in right now I'm dimly aware that if I wake up, everything will turn hard and cold… and bad. I don't want that. I want to stay here where it's warm and kiss Baz's lips forever. I squeeze my eyes closed as tight as I can and try to burrow my way back into the heart of my dream.

"Baz," I breathe.

The kissing stops. That's not what was supposed to happen. "No. More. Come back, Baz." The figure retreats and the warm feeling disappears with it. The kissing is gone and I'm waking all the way up. I can't stop myself. Merlin. It was so good. I try one last time to bring it back, to hold on. "Baz."

This time there's an answer.

"Simon?"

It's the wrong voice. It sounds upset. And female.

"Simon!" It comes again. I know should recognize that voice.

I rub the sleep out of my eyes, putting off the inevitable as long as I can, then open them cautiously. There _is_ a figure hovering over my bed. And it's not Baz. Not Baz at all. It's Agatha, who doesn't belong here in my room first thing in the morning. She doesn't belong in my dream full stop. That dream is private, it's just for me… and Baz, dream Baz, that is, and dream Baz's lips. Merlin I want them back. I want Baz's lips back. I want Baz's lips? Shit. No. What am I thinking? I'm fully awake now. No, no no! No I don't want anything about Baz, my evil, angry, vampire roommate… whose name I think I was just moaning in my sleep. Oh Merlin, Morgana ,and Methuselah. I have to get out of here!

I bolt out of bed, a little unsteady on my feet—my mind may be painfully awake but my body hasn't quite caught up yet. As I push past Agatha, I glance at the other bed, hoping simultaneously that Baz is looking at me with the longing still washing through me as the dream recedes, and also that he's dead asleep and hasn't noticed a thing. No such luck. On either count.

Baz is sitting up in his bed. His hair is sticking up in a way he would never let anyone see if he was properly awake, even though it looks good actually, in an anime kind of way.

"Snow?" He sounds groggy. Confused.

I slam the door behind me and hear him clear his throat.

"Wellbelove?" He sounds much sharper now, like he's regained his usual sangfroid. And he sounds angry.

But I don't stop to think. Penny's by my side, gripping my arm, gasping out questions as we pelt down the stairs of Mummers house together. I'm in such a stated I don't even realized I've missed my opportunity to find out how she gets in past the wards until we're heading over the drawbridge, me in a panic trying to put as much distance as possible between me and my room, Penny still shouting questions at me as we run.


	2. Chapter 2

SIMON

We hit the Great Lawn running. And then something niggling at my brain clicks into place.

"Penny! Agatha! She's still in there. Can she get out without you?"

Penny's face goes pale. "I'm not sure, actually."

"Right. You go back for her and I'll…" I glance at the Woods. I don't know what I'll do. Keep running, never to return? Vanish into the ground? I still wish there was a spell for that. I'd use it, I think, right about now. "I'll… I don't know. I'll lie low for a bit. In the Woods. Bring me some trousers, yeah? And a shirt too if you can manage it. But don't risk your life if Baz, you know…. "

Penny's nodding. "I'll do what I can."

"Thanks."

"And then, Simon… you're going to tell me what happened in there."

"Shoes too, if you get a chance." I call, setting off across the lawn.

BAZ

"What have you done to him?"

Agatha Wellbelove, of all people, is standing in my room, golden hair flowing, honey-brown eyes staring daggers at me.

"What spell have you put on him, Baz? It isn't funny." Crowley. She sounds like she can't make up her mind whether to shout or cry. Her hands are balled in fists at her sides.

I'm at a definite disadvantage here, seeing as how I woke up apparently in the middle of the golden couple having a lover's quarrel. In my room.

I stand up, so I can tower over her, and point at the door. "Out."

"I came in to kiss him." She has the decency to blush. "And when I did, he kissed me back and said _your_ name!"

"Clearly, you misheard."

"He did it three times!"

I thank my lucky stars she can't hear the way my heart is suddenly pounding in my chest. I narrow my eyes and aim my coldest glare at her. "Agatha Wellbelove, I am going to get dressed…" I see her eyes flick down in the direction of my pyjama bottoms. "…in the en suite," she flushes even further, "and when I am done, you will be gone. Do. You. Understand?"

She crosses her arms and, with what appears to be tremendous effort, says, "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what you've done, Basilton Grimm-Pitch."

My uniform is folded over the back of my desk chair. I grab it and stalk into the bathroom. I dress quickly, barely taking the time to fix my hair. Then I magic open the window, climb out onto the narrow ledge, cast **float like a butterfly** on myself, and leap across the moat and out over the Great Lawn. That will sap my magic for a bit, but I'd rather recover quietly by myself in the Woods—it's a Saturday, I won't miss any classes—than have to deal with Agatha again today. Or Snow. What in Merlin's name happened with Snow?

Aside from taking a great deal of magic, the one problem with **float like a butterfly** is once you've launched yourself you do, indeed, _float_. You can't do much to change direction mid-course. I've never had a problem with it before, but of course I'm not so lucky today. As I near the ground, I realize there's a figure running across the lawn beneath me. I also realize that if the figure keeps up its present course, I am going to land directly on top of it. As I'm preparing to call out a warning, an early ray of sunlight illuminates the bronze curls on the head below. Of-fucking-course. I'm about to land on Simon Snow.


	3. Chapter 3

SIMON

Suddenly, for the second time this morning, I'm on my back with someone's face pressed to mine. Someone's entire body, actually. This feels different from before, though. For one thing, I'm in pain, as I think whoever this is landed on me from the sky. For another, there is no warmth or lightness here whatsoever. Everything is heavy and cold.

I reached out instinctively to stop myself being flattened and now my hands are squashed between our two bodies, gripping a pair of muscular shoulders. My head is twisted uncomfortably to the side and I can't see who this is, but I can feel each shallow exhale on my cheek. I hope whoever it is is alright. Falling from the sky can't be good for you. I try for a bit of leverage with my arms—to give myself enough space to turn my head and see.

I should have left well enough alone. There wasn't room to maneuver and now I'm stuck here nose to nose with some bloke—it's clear by now it's not a girl. It doesn't smell like a girl—and we're breathing uncomfortably into each other's space. On my next inhale I catch the faint sent of bergamot. My stomach begins to turn a slow somersault.

"Get off." I grunt. Why won't he move? I need to see who this is.

"I can't, you oaf," comes the reply. "You're on my legs."

My stomach finishes its somersault and begins to compress itself into a heavy lump of lead. And it's not because I've suddenly realized how embarrassingly intertwined my legs are with those of the boy who fell from the sky. It's because the voice—and the legs—belongs to Baz.

I shove his shoulders again—now I know who it is, I'm not bothered about accidentally hurting him—and turn to find myself staring into his eyes. We're so close I think my mouth brushed along his cheek when I turned my head. Our lips are only millimeters apart now and, Crowley, shades of the dream I woke from less than ten minutes ago are still haunting me. I almost kiss him. But I don't want to die and I'm pretty sure kissing my sworn enemy like this, away from the safety of the anathema, would lead to a swift and painful death. Why can't that stupid dream stay in my subconscious where it belongs? I growl in frustration and when I jut my chin forward out of habit, our lips touch.

My heart and my brain both explode in a firework of stars.

Maybe the timing is coincidence, but after one frozen second, lips on lips, staring into each others' eyes, Baz begins thrashing his lower half back and forth until he disentangles his legs from mine, then he tears his arms out of my grasp, and pushes himself to his feet. He's breathing heavily still. I'm surprised at how long it's taking him to recover from his fall.

I jump to my feet as well and in a flood of horror I remember why I was running away from our room in the first place. Almost kissing Baz when he was incapacitated—by my legs—has made a bad situation ten times worse.

I start easing backwards towards the Woods. A few more metres and I'll be out of his casting range. Then I can turn and run. It might be a good idea to spend a few days away after this. Maybe Ebb will let me stay with her and I can help look after the goats.

BAZ

Simon, who said my name in his sleep while his girlfriend kissed him, is running into the Wavering Wood. Simon, who said my name in his sleep and almost kissed me on the lips just now, is running, nearly naked, into the Wavering Wood.

I'll hate myself for this in a moment, but I can't bear the idea of him going like this. I yell, "Stop!" at his retreating back.

I'm not expecting him to respond. I'm definitely not expecting him to comply but, miraculously, he does.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, Snow?" I snarl.

He's not coming back, but at least he's no longer running. He looks down at the ground.

"Away. For a bit… I think. I… Uh. I've got to go." He starts to turn back towards the Wood.

"Don't be daft, Snow." I take a slow step towards him, like I'm approaching a rabbit. A half-naked, extremely attractive rabbit. "You haven't even had breakfast. And I know you have that Magic Words project to finish today." I let my voice soften, just a bit. He's probably too far gone to notice, but I'm terrified driving him away. I'm trying to be gentle here, for maybe the first time ever."

He just stares at me, like he doesn't understand plain English. Then he comes to and shakes his head like a dog just in from the rain.

"Erm… yeah. Yes. Well, I think I'll at least head to the Wood for a bit, then. I can't walk back through the school like this." He gestures to his body, tawny and scattered with moles, on full display—ratty old boxers notwithstanding—in the light of the morning sun. As if I wasn't already painfully aware of every detail.

"No one saw you dash out here in the nude. Why so modest all of a sudden?" The half-sneer with which I accompany those words nearly kills me.

He runs a hand through his tangled morning hair and looks back down at the ground. "It's nearly breakfast time. People will be about. Penny's bringing me clothes. I'll wait for her there."

I shouldn't get involved. I know I shouldn't The events of the morning have been messy enough already. But the thought of a near-naked Simon in the woods at the mercy of whatever horrifying thing pops up to attack him is depressing. Potentially hot, but depressing.

I point my want at him and call up my magic quickly, before he as time to register it. " **Karma chameleon**."

"What was _that_!?" Snow shouts.

"Just a concealment spell. Don't get your pants in a twist." We both inadvertently glance down at his too tight, too thin boxers, and flush with embarrassment—though it's infinitely more visible on Snow.

"There are no true invisibility spells, so you'll find this doesn't completely conceal you from everyone, however it should be sufficient to get you back to our room with your shining reputation intact."

I turn and start to walk back towards Mummer's House.

"Like you?" Simon says, following me.

I turn my head just enough to snarl at him. "You are making absolutely no sense, Snow. As usual."

"I mean, you can see me, yeah?"

He's got me there. "Of course I can." I cast about for a quick lie. "As the person who cast the spell on you, naturally I can see you."

"Oh. That makes sense." He says. Then, after a pause, "Thanks."

I walk faster.


	4. Chapter 4

SIMON

Back in our room, Penny and Agatha seem to be in the middle of some kind of heart-to-heart. That explains why I'm still in my pants, relying on the goodwill of my arch enemy.

Baz surveys the scene for a cool five seconds then barks, "Out!"

Agatha doesn't need to be told twice. She's out the door in an instant, and Penny is left standing in her wake, hands on hips, glaring back and forth between me and Baz.

"I don't think so. Anybody care to tell me what's going on here? Basil?"

He just raises an eyebrow at her and then makes a show of pretending to sit down at his desk and pulling out a book to study. Or maybe he actually is studying, with him it's hard to tell.

"Oy, Baz. Why is Simon blurry around the edges?"

This must be what Baz meant about the spell not being entirely effective at concealment. "It's ok, Pen." I put an arm on her shoulder. "Baz spelled me invisible so no one would see me walking back with no clothes."

"Simon, there's no such thing as an invisibility spell. We've been over this before."

"I know, but—" I start to explain when Baz cuts me off.

"I _did_ mention that, Snow. That's why you're only partially concealed." He sighs, like he doesn't know I was about to say the exact same thing. Then he turns to Penelope. "It's not a true invisibility spell, of course, but it did the job. Almost no one realized they were looking at the Chosen One traipsing about school grounds in his pants."

"Ok, I'll give you that. What spell is it then?"

Baz turns his back on Penny and picks up his book again. "Girls aren't supposed to be in Mummer's House, are they?"

She rolls her eyes.

Baz is being unnecessarily twatty. Penny likes unusual spells at least as much as Baz and there's no reason for her not to know. "It was **kar** —" I begin, but Baz cuts me off again.

"Enough!" He turns on Penny. With his eyes lowered he manages to look quite frightening. "Leave or I'll turn you in to the Mage for infiltrating the boys' dormitories."

Penny's looking back and forth between Baz and me again, narrowing her eyes thoughtfully. Then she opens her eyes wide.

"Ooooh It's **karma chameleon** isn't it?"

I nod. She looks absolutely delighted.

"Bunce." Baz says threateningly.

She smiles, and walks very deliberately over to Baz, puts her hand on his arm and looks up into his eyes.

"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." Then she gives a squeeze and whispers, "For the time being."

Baz is seething. "Get out of here right now." He stands and pulls out his wand. "I'm seriously going to hex you."

Penelope's smile grows wider. "No you won't."

"He will, Pen. You'd better get going."

She just laughs. "Meet me in the library after lunch, Simon. There's a spell book I want to show you."

She turns to the door and Baz explodes out of his chair and hurtles across the room towards her, knocking me onto my bed on the way. He grabs her by the throat and pushes her out into the hallway, slamming the door behind them. He's going to push her down the stairs. I know he is. What's his problem? He was being almost nice, casting a concealment spell for me, not biting my head off while we walked back to our room together. And now he's gone fully ballistic.

I bolt out of the room, expecting to see Penny tumbling head over heels down the tower stairs. Instead she and Baz are involved in an intense whispered conversation at the end of the corridor. Penny glances my way when she hears the door close behind me.

"Fine," she says out loud, turning back to Baz. She raises her ring hand and points it at him. He reaches up to deflect but before he can she's speaking with magic.

" **Karma chameleon.** "

Not a thing happens, other than Baz looking even more furious than before and Penny not meeting Baz's eyes.

I furrow my brow in confusion.

"Bunce!" Baz howls.

"I don't get it," I say. "Nothing's changed."

Penelope is looking just over Baz's left shoulder and smirking. Baz looks like he's just seen a gorgon: frozen in horror.

Then the lightbulb goes off.

"That isn't a real spell, is it?! You only pretended to cast it." I storm up to Baz and shove him. "You let me traipse through the castle practically naked just for laughs!"

It looks like Baz is trying to say something, but choking on the words.

Penny begins to head down the stairs, calling up after her, "Simon. After Lunch. The library. You and me." Then she turns and looks up, "You too Baz, if you'd like to be there for this." Then she _winks_ at him, and practically skips down the stairs.


End file.
